I looked huge and thought I’d ruined her pictures. The summer of 2012 when we went to Andrew’s sister’s wedding. I wanted to feel like a sexy young woman newly in love but I didn’t. While our sex life was good and Andrew made me feel special, I didn’t have the energy I once had and I didn’t feel desirable. And I made sure I was first in bed and dimmed the lights. I didn’t want him to see all my bits jiggling. And so I covered up in big T-shirts – not exactly sexy but it was the only way I could do it. My body was unrecognisable to the one I had the last time I went to bed with someone. I was excited to sleep with him but scared too. Men were off the menu at that point but then, right at the end of 2011, I met Andrew. I didn’t really consider whether I felt desirable or not. ![]() I went from 14st to more than 16st and shot up to a size 18. I’ve never been a skinny girl but after I got divorced in 2010, I spent a year living it up – vodka shots on nights out, wine-fuelled holidays with the girls, festivals and meals out. That sounds horrid but in truth I was really big. Only later did he admit one of the reasons he said no at first was my size. I asked Andrew out a couple of times before he eventually agreed. In 10 months, I lost every pound I’d gained and was 12st again. I thought I’d give it a whirl and joined my local gym too. Then at the beginning of 2013, a friend told me she’d lost weight via Slimming World and sent me some recipes. In the end, we were making love less than once a fortnight. Several times I remember him saying: ‘Why do you always push me away?’ But I had no words. When he tried to touch me I’d make an excuse and turn over. ![]() I couldn’t bear to look at myself in the mirror and I’d dive into bed before Jonathan came into the room. I tried radical diets but always ended up falling off the wagon again. ![]() I wouldn’t eat all day then I’d binge on chocolate, crisps, takeaways and fatty comfort food. Then, in 2009, I gave up smoking and quickly piled on four stone, ballooning to 16st and a size 22 – far too big for my 5ft 4in frame. Sex was on the agenda several nights a week. Then when we did eventually share the same roof, we were like newlyweds. At first it was all about stolen moments. I met Jonathan back in 1997 and although we fell in love quickly, we didn’t move in together until about 2004 because he was living with and caring for elderly grandparents.Īs a result, we had a brilliant sex life for years. I didn’t even want Jonathan to see me in a plain cotton bra and knickers from M&S, let alone black lace.īut now, thanks to hard work in the gym and sensible eating, I have gorgeous new undies because the Ann Summers stuff is too big – and I have a rejuvenated sex life to wear it for! For years, all my sexy Ann Summers underwear lay unworn in the bottom of a drawer.
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